When There’s Nothing Else, There’s Top Chef

This week has fallen apart on me completely, well, aside from getting my Christmas tree up and decorated. Every single plan that I had in mind to do has been canceled. Except for laundry. My birthday is on Sunday and Saturday night is the big friend bar party… someone better kiss me, is all I’m saying about that.

Ok on to Top Chef. Might as well watch this one while the newest one is recording so I can write about it immediately following this. Or heck, maybe I’ll save it for tomorrow since tomorrow’s plans will probably also be in the crapper.

Episode 3: Sharp Knives By The Light Of The Tree, or, I Hope There Are Wustoffs In My Future

Fabio and Stefan are still gay for each other. Ariane is still talking about how much she sucks. The ‘mos lament missing Pride week.

Quickfire! GRANT ACHATZ!! Holy lord! The next Thomas Keller, people. The survivor. The genius. The man. Frankly I’m shocked he stepped away from Alinea long enough to do this show. Padma looks at him to say “hello” and looks as if she sort of wants to kiss him. I know I do. Oops sorry… the cheftestants pull numbered knives which indicates a page they must cook a dish from, from the Top Chef cookbook plugplugplugplugplug. They have to put a twist on it. GO!

None of them are very impressed or interested in their assigned dishes. Padma stops them mid-flow announcing they are to stop what they’re doing and make soup out of the ingredients they were already working with. Oof. Wasn’t it Benjamin Franklin that said “only the pure of heart can make soup”? I think so.

Stefan: scallop and shrimp with coconut milk. Grant likey. Ariane diced lamb, Grant says overcooked. Shock. Daniel had black forest ham with a poached egg, Grant likey. Richard, black bean and rice, Grant says needs an acid. Melissa, Italian wedding soup, Grant no likey. Fabio, mushroom and asparagus soup, Grant says bland. Weirdo Carla makes shrimp and coriander, Grant likey. Leah has chilled asparagus soup, Grant likey. Jamie has a (and she’s really irritating describing the entire thing) deconstructed falafel, Grant likey. Grant approves generally. Jamie, Leah and Daniel were the winners. Of those, Leah takes the cake. I’d sit down and cry that Chef would even be looking at me in the face using my name.

Oh lord the Foo Fighters are coming to down and they’re hungry. For Thanksgiving. Granted, this aired Thanksgiving week but they probably filmed it in August which explains the smirks they all have while talking about “Thanksgiving”. So they pick teams, Leah picks Jamie, Hosea, Stefan, Melissa, Fabio and Radhika. Why WHY would you put Team Eurogay on your team? How irritating will they be with their world domination and their accents? Pah!

The winners get seats at the show, the losers get to wash up and then go home (on which I call horsesh##t – you know they went to that show). Roadie greets, Jeff wants to go to the show. The kitchen is outside. Their ovens are microwaves. No fridges, no freezers. One burner. Toaster ovens. 15 minutes to plan. Jeff once again rises to the top and takes the lead – he’s a good leader, actually. Well, watch I just said that… total KOD. Ariane can’t understand why no one is “acknowledging” her “strengths”. To which I ask WHAT STRENGTHS? Ugh. Fabio say that if they can do it, no one in the stupid old USA has an excuse for not making a decent Thanksgiving dinner. Go home, Mussolini!

How can you make a turkey without running water? GROSS. Eugene decides to build a grill. Is that legal? I am not going to detail everything they are doing, it’s sort of boring and obvious. Jeff is taking the reigns which is both wise and bad. Oops look it’s raining. Fabio’s tiramisu is getting wet. Poor Fabio. Someone can’t get crispy potatoes. Carla has something to prove because she wasn’t picked for kickball team A.

In walk the judges and the Foos. Hosea isn’t worthy. Whoa… someone just called Tom a “hottie gay bear icon”. What?! Oh lordy. First reports, they got too weird. Grant says keep it simple. Vegan stuffing was great. Turkey done well. They liked the tiramisu but not the other desserts. Hmm, jury is mixed.

Team A (I sort of refuse to say their name) wins. Team B is about to be one less. They go to a rock show. Team B cleans up to the thundering sounds of the Foo Fighters overhead. One of the ‘mos makes a comment about throwing each other under the bus to save their own hides… hmm

Judges table: Oh boy there goes Jeff after having stepped up. His team is standing behind him very nicely. Almost all the food but (snort) Ariane’s turkey, blew. The s’mores were a failure. They didn’t like anything Jeff did. Oh boy. Grant says he’d have picked him as a teammate though, which says something. The s’mores are unforgivable.

Verdict: of Daniel, Jeff and Richard… Richard and his s’mores are outa there. Team ‘Mo are down a member. *sad trombone*

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